The respect value of money

its been an odd few days. i guess normal for me. i find myself sitting on a swing in my parents back yard, watching the same trees trying to hug each other in the breeze. they only meet when there is a breeze. this is my spot.

like every woman in her mid career- i got booted out of the job market for being smart. my story is no different than a million others. covid changed the world. it was like there was this veneer on it. it was a bit like that scene from devils advocate. beautiful people who all of a sudden change faces and reveal a dark side lurking just under the surface.

you can only lie to yourself for so long. one day the dam breaks and ur looking at a life- wondering where u took the wrong turn. so ur forced to make a decision, is it me or them.

i find myself in exceptional company today. i never live outside my means, and i never deny myself a small happiness. be it a glass of chai, masala ofcourse, or wine, or scotch.

never cheap scotch. so scotch is a rare occasion. covid will eventually be celebrated with a bottle of one i have kept untried. i have to earn that glass myself. never drink scotch if u cant afford to buy it. its like breaking a sacred covenant.

never order a meal if u cant buy it, even if someone else is picking up the tab. never take someone to a place they cant afford, coz they will feel uncomfortable that they owe u one.

in some ways i really never cared about money. i cared as a kid that we didnt have alot. but once i graduated money came easy for the first part of my career.

if ur a woman, especially a woman of color when u graduate from a stem field u will earn easily. lasts till ur about mid career. reason is simple, men hire women to have them around. to “mentor” them in a self ingratiating way. ah look- my benevolence on display. when u get my age, u got about 20 years working under ur belt.

u dont bow so easily to their uninformed logic. u become a constant reminder of their inferiority. the chasm between ur knowledge and experience and their unearned ego grows wider and wider. until they gaslight u out of jobs to the edge of ur sanity.

i must have really loved myself. i always walked out of rooms when i was disrespected. i never played the game and i never followed a trend. i never said i understood when i didnt. and eventually in 2019 i realized the writing was on the wall.