Identity

subject: philosophy

i walked into a staples. staples and canadian tire, i dont know why these are the two places that define me. just some cashier starring out into the nothingness that defines the moments in between in edmonton. something about an edmonton january, nothing moves so ur mind plays its own music.

she was maybe a few years older. old enough but not that old that age really matters now. she had that short cut. i dont know why i just stopped to tell her that her cut was beautiful for her face. she was stunned. she said she was literally thinking about exactly that. should she grow it out. she was kind of creeped out. later we have a chat and i asked her if shes ever heard of empaths. she was one and she said i must be very strong because i picked up on it right away. we had a small chat. nothing real. bla bla pluto.

what color was she?

we always think we know what makes others who they are, i know. let me tell u something you dont know. let me educate you for how could you know? the burden of knowledge that they must have to tell us all who we are.

it was a ridiculous moment when i returned from some experimental mediation. i was almost 3/4th into writing a memoir. i know, the hubris, a memoir at 40. i always wanted more stories than my dad. i measure wealth by stories. i opened the file and to my utter horror, i no longer felt any anger. the whole book is written swearing and then all of a sudden i sat there and thought- r u fucking serious? we, morons who are artists, do stupid things for our craft.

so i empathed it. i absorbed anger by putting myself in the path of hate. had to finish the book. art is art.

who knew an empath was a real thing? asked my hippie teacher and his reaction told me i was as good as dead. but the thing is that it makes me sneaky. i can tell a woman whose shaky in her self that the hair is amazing, dont rethink ur life like that. never embarrassing her that she was thinking the time was gone.

frankly i dont care much if ur racist or sexist. ur all some kind of ist. i am always the opposite ism. pisses u off. be sexist ill be a feminist. be whatever ill take the opposite side to balance the conversation. ur fragility is of no consequence to me.

must be boring. having all the answers already. must be so tedious knowing everything right vs wrong. im still not able to tell right from left. dyslexic joke. had to be there. i dont know what its like to hate ur own company. i love a glass of wine and my own thoughts.

if u can- pls tell me why water is densest at 4 deg c and why thats not a fucking cosmic joke id be relieved. the hell is the deal with grass? it must have a serious bouncing back quotient. everything is a mystery to me but people. so i stay away from people. but girls gotta eat. pretty soon not even oxygen will be free eh.

my kind is dead. im the last one i think.

we dont like getting involved. we hide. we dont want you to know us. i dont even sign my artwork. looks better without my name. we were what we did. now we are who u tell us we are.

tumahri kudrat se humko kya lena, kya dena? hum to apni kudrat mein hi magan hai. tum apni ibadat humko kyon bata rahe ho- e zalim insan, meikhana dikhade yeh mecca, humko to sirf ibadat mein apne aap ko bhoone ka bahana chaiyeh

now, if its all the same to you, i just came to say that fire can burn you, might wanna get out of the way. i was born in it. all i know is how to burn. so if you dont mind, id like to go back home. mind ur step eh. dont say i didnt warn u.

signed

whatever u want me to be.